We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂