cause of death:
autopsy.
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
cat vs inanimate object
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.