Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.