SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
peeping toms
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy