My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I want this so bad
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive