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Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Pass gas, not judgment.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Based Erika
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING