i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Finally!
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
#SaturdayBears
Breaking news:
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts