Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.