One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here鈥檚 your T.V. remote back
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
INSURANCE REP: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檙e going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn鈥檛 really get it to light
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
google just released their AI and all I鈥檓 going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it鈥檚 objections to the marriage, specifically
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
It鈥檚 interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they鈥檙e the most resistant
My sister鈥檚 birthday cake 馃ぃ
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain鈥檛 gonna happen.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough鈥ith鈥he鈥arambe鈥okes”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy