They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.