i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE