The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
who will stop them
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.