Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
🤣😂🤣
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..