Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
You Might Also Like
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Self-cleaning conscience
*feels the wind in my toe hair
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.