“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
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My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.