*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.