Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding