What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here