Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.