KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Good point.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.