My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
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Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
there’s probably a fee though
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.