I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
You Might Also Like
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store