I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
HELP 😭
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.