[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.