“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.