“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
BRO LMFAO
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’