I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I think the cat got the dog high.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.