Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
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What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My first child will be named New Folder.
at ease…shoulder.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”