Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
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an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did