Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
monday
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.