At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Time heals everything 🙂
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand