In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?