The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
my first day as a raccoon
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”