at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
the clam before the storm
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I was just discussing this with my cat
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
☠️☠️☠️
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it