Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
my dog when i have a friend over
For the ones in the back.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Lmfao
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.