McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
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“OMGJK” -atheists
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My beach vacation Google searches
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.