My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?