[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
ok like just. call me at this point
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I feel seen
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.