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“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”