When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight