me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER