My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back