cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Dolls on drugs
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me