People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Never forget.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
shit, they caught us—run!!!
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.