What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
You Might Also Like
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.