[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*