men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own