this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
This is not me but this is me
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*