I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Miscakes