Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital